Making Sloppy Progress

Sometimes I obsess about the end of the world.

I’ve been this way since I was very young. When I think about where it started, I suspect it was the collision of two events that happened at similar times and tied together.

The first event was the passing of my Grandmother. Lots of children lose their grandparents at a young age, and it’s sad, but it’s also normal. But the truth is, I have never really handled it well. I loved her so much, I still think about being held by her and having her sing to me. When she died, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The other event happened around the same time. I remember watching TV late at night alone in the living room and this woman came on. She talked at length about the end of the world. She was absolutely convinced that she knew how and when everything was going to end. She even gave a specific date - a date that up until I thought about every single day. I remember the fear in her eyes. To me it seemed genuine. She seemed so confident that I believed her.

I have an old friend from high school who remembers me from during those days. He says he remembers seeing me in class and that I was playing with the puzzle of the world. Apparently (I don’t remember this) he asked me what I was doing and I told him “I’m trying to figure out what the world will look like when it ends.”

So I guess those two events together really had a profound effect on me. Sometimes I’ll think about death, or the end of the world and get lost in a waking nightmare. Where I’ll let my thoughts dwell on horrific certainties. Once I’m there, it’s hard to break away. When I do I’m almost always shaken, irritable, and helpless.

I went through that pretty heavily today. Dealing with the estate of my deceased Father and the sadness that brings on, dealing with the stress of moving, dealing with the pandemic, and then today I read an article that says that there’s a very real possibility of us hitting 1.5C in the next 5 years. Which is apparently some kind of tipping point.

Honestly… I started writing this thing and went down a deathspiral. I’m going to leave this here for posterity… but honestly I just don’t know what to do with myself. Am I crazy? Is the world actually just ending or isn’t it? I’m terrified.

About Me

I'm a father of three and a software engineer for both hobby and trade. I enjoy tabletop role-playing and board games - especially of the heavily social variety! I also occasionally participate in game jams with friends.

I'm particularly interested in self-improvement in all of those things. I enjoy progressing through a new skill and learning ways of maximizing my time and focus.

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The best way to reach me is via email. When I'm in a coding mood I've usually got some kind of personal project going on my github.