Making Sloppy Progress

Anxiety and Deployments

wrestling with a fear of failure

Hello, Anxiety, my old friend. Another deployment night has come, and the stress that comes with it. I’ve been through a hundred (or more) of these in my career now and they still terrify me. I can’t be alone in this, can I? You work so hard, you write test cases, you execute load tests and you talk through worst case scenarios.. and yet when it comes time to press the “go” button, something deep inside me screams “No!”. I’m sick of it. If I’m being honest, it’s enough to make me want to search out another avenue as a programmer. Most of the time, these things go well. But those few times they haven’t, it’s mortifying. You’re stuck scrambling. You have a roll- back plan, but what if it isn’t adequate? Everyone starts playing monday-morning quarterback, finger-pointing. Probing questions in embarrassing meetings. All just reminding you of what you’ve always known - you’re no good at this, and really should just find another career.

I’d love to wrap this up in a happy bow and walk away. Maybe I’ll be capable of that after the deployment. The fact is, I’m miserable, and hateful. My stomach aches, and I want to throw up. I’m watching my wife and my daughter play a game. They’re dancing and they’re giggling but I can’t crack a smile. Damn this feeling.

About Me

I'm a father of three and a software engineer for both hobby and trade. I enjoy tabletop role-playing and board games - especially of the heavily social variety! I also occasionally participate in game jams with friends.

I'm particularly interested in self-improvement in all of those things. I enjoy progressing through a new skill and learning ways of maximizing my time and focus.

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The best way to reach me is via email. When I'm in a coding mood I've usually got some kind of personal project going on my github.