Somewhere around the end of July, I stopped. I stopped reading books, I stopped playing games, I stopped programming for fun. I managed to spend some time with friends, and family but it was generally a struggle. I wasn’t ever interested in updating my blog, and I stopped working on my big personal project. I believe this was due to depression. If everything that you love suddenly doesn’t sound interesting at all, it probably is. Honestly though, the reason why isn’t all that important. What IS important is how I behave now that I’m starting to feel a little more alive again, and how I’m going to let myself look back on that time. It wasn’t lost to me, I didn’t stop living, I just stopped creating. I switched into what I would call a mode of consumption. I watched a lot of different shows, listened to the first three books of The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson. None of it felt great, it couldn’t really. Depression doesn’t work like that. But it still felt like moving forward. And looking back on it, that feels good now.
This afternoon, I locked down some time, installed a new solid state drive, reformatted my computer, installed Manjaro, and got the project up and running again. I didn’t really feel like adding any new functionality and that’s totally fine. I have the obstacles knocked out of the way for when I DO get the motivation and interest. It will come, I need to trust that. Also, right now, I’m writing a new blog entry! Maybe it isn’t formatted great, maybe it’s more than a little rambly, but it’s progress. Sloppy progress. That’s what this whole thing is about.
I suppose my point is that never, during any of this, should I look down on myself. If you’re reading this, and you feel the same way sometimes, you shouldn’t feel bad either. We are not machines that can be flipped on or off at our will. No one is watching over our shoulders judging us for how much we accomplish in our lives. It’s simply about enjoying the journey and maybe making something cool along the way.
I'm a father of three and a software engineer for both hobby and trade. I enjoy tabletop role-playing and board games - especially of the heavily social variety! I also occasionally participate in game jams with friends.
I'm particularly interested in self-improvement in all of those things. I enjoy progressing through a new skill and learning ways of maximizing my time and focus.